The selfish gene - why I need one

I feel muddled. Confidence is very low – in terms of writing, stand-up, the way I look... and I can’t tell if it’s for real reasons or just noise. It’s why I haven’t written here for a while, anyway, but now I’m attempting to do so in an effort to clear my head and start off new.  

Why is confidence low in terms of writing / stand-up? Because it’s hard, I’m pretty far out of my comfort zone and I’m not quite sure where I fit. It’s hard to do stand-up as an individual – to make a funny 5 minutes and be confident enough to deliver it. Sure, I can write stuff which is pleasant and amusing enough to read. But I’m not sure I’m suited to the relentless punchlining required in stand-up. Or resilient enough to withstand the punches packed by impatient audiences while I’m not very good. I started doing it because I wanted that instant audience feedback – but now I’m just wanting to disappear behind a laptop, with a large packet of HobNobs, and write something else, some chick lit or something, for fun.

It’s  also hard to write a part of a group, as I’m doing with 3 others for an Edinburgh show. Doing so really pushes me. I’m a team player, they are individuals. I’m underconfident, they are overconfident. I am good at writing whatever content is needed, to brief, where they excel in coming up with ideas but not necessarily developing them. For our weekly meetings, I always prepare some draft material on topics we’ve discussed, even if I don’t think it’s brilliant, and email it round in advance so we can take it further in person. I hate doing this and am profoundly uncomfortable with sharing my ideas – but I see it as part of us developing material together. They just turn up with stifling egos, wanting to spend the evening gossiping about inferior others, sharing a few sentences of brilliance then going separate ways. I can see now that they are focussed on becoming brilliant as individuals  and just hoping it all comes together as a show by August, whereas I have prioritised writing for the group over writing for myself. I also know I spend more time on prep for meetings, because I strongly feel I’m the least funny. But I am the best at getting on with things and making them work. So it’s a frustrating mismatch. They are probably frustrated by me not being as funny as them.

The reason I feel underconfident about my looks? Mainly because I’ve started resorting to an old habit. This makes me sound very odd, but since 1995, at times of stress I have pulled my own hair out - literally. No, this isn’t a joke – it is called trichotillomania - see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trichotillomania  I had been really pleased over the last few years that I had completely stopped doing this and, for the first time in my adult life, had a full head of hair with no dubious patchy bits. Something clicked in my brain in December last year and I started doing it again. Just over the last few weeks it has got really bad, to the extent my parting and crown are increasingly thin. I am scared of going down escalators before friends, standing near tall people, even sitting at my desk at the paper, because colleagues go past and might see. Also, my scalp roars with pain during and after and I feel very ashamed that I can’t stop, like any rational adult would. I also feel like my skin looks old and ropey, my face manky, my figure too plump, and when did my nose get this big? I don’t actually think any of these things are really more pronounced now than  before – I’m just feeling them a lot more, for some reason.  Could again be related to the comedy show. The boys I’m working with are much younger so I feel a bit old and ugly. And like I should have achieved more by now. Also we have a photo shoot in less than a month, which worries me and my slightly bulging jeans...  

So much is brilliant. I have several jobs I love (I’m self-employed) – some for the money and some because they’re 100% what I want to do. I love my house, my friends, my life. I am financially secure / mature for the first time ever – having organised my finances until September and even found enough spare this month to buy my Mum a boiler. But somehow I just can’t pull it all off without becoming an unconfident mess.

If i were a friend reading this I’d just say – give up the show, give up stand-up. But I really feel I should keep trying – as much as I criticise them, the boys are brilliant and I know I can develop with them, even if the route there is harder than originally anticipated. If I feel insecure, it’s not the boys’ problem, it’s mine. It is good to be pushed. I know it will open doors for other kinds of writing, which I may prefer over stand-up itself. And i’m just not good at standing still.

So – I’ll carry on as I am. But with a little more clarity about the fact I have to be more selfish. Develop myself and my writing, then let it fit in with the boys, rather than vice versa. Sounds so easy – as easy as not pulling your hair out.

Sorry this is so long and self indulgent – I’m just trying to clear my own air. I promise cheery funny stuff soon.

x